Oh, this is easier than I thought it would be! Hello! I feel better already!
I considered seeing how I could add comments or other visibe-to-everyone chatspaces, but I don’t think I want that. Something I’ve been thinking about a lot is….
Well, wait.
Lets take it back a few steps.
Hello. Welcome to my blog. I’ve had internet homes in the past. Like, several, dating way way back to when I was a kid and my bedroom became the computer room, usually around art and forum games and fandom interests. But a couple years ago the weight of that, of, like, giving people the ability to look down a near-complete timeline of my entire life, started freaking me out. It made it feel like I had to start any attempt at posting again, on any platform, like that stuff up there, like this stuff im continuing here. I feel like the same person as before, but I also feel like I need an annotated bibliography of how I am and where ive been. I can’t help it. It’s an OCD thing.
But lately there’s been a sense that I would rather break these imaginary rules than go on hiding in this way. I love talking to strangers. I love the half-anonymity that the internet affords me*
*Used to afford me. I bounced in, what, 2021? And since then the internet is a much different place, the way people talk about the internet is a much different place, and the baseline community social norms on websites like Twitter and Tumblr are not what I think of when I think of what I want out of an internet experience.
But I don’t want to start over-
But I can’t do what I did before-
But I don’t want to start over-
A rock tumbler in the back of my brain for the past several years.
I thought for a long time the only way to stop an impossible cycle was to pretend it wasnt happening. It didn’t work, though im not particularly mad I tried it. I’ve lived a lot of life the past few years and I dont regret that. But now, I’m willing to try.
So here’s a little spot. You can see my patreon below if you like. I’ve had it for ages, like, since my tumblr days, and its a tip jar most of the time for people who like my work. I tend to work in physical media, which means periodically getting supplies. It makes me happy when I break even on my budget. I have absolutely no impostor syndrome when I am using tools people bought for me.
I used to make a lot of comics, but admittedly I have not in years. There’s a few reasons for this. The main one is that I am literally built different than I was when I was making those. I am on a different medication, on a different gender’s hormone levels, have a different shaped body that needs to be held at a different distance, have significantly worse eyesight, and have badly damaged the nerves in my drawing hand.
But past the not being able to, I don’t think I would want to. I did a lot of making up guys to get mad at. I did a lot of escapist shit that I’m glad I did, but am glad I stopped doing to actually work on my life instead.
And past not wanting to, I don’t think you would want that either. Why say what’s already been said again?
Like the rock tumbler earlier, only moved an inch to the right;
I can’t make comics like I used to-
But the people here supported me for my comics-
But I can’t make comics like I used to-
What a waste of fucking time.
I’ve been reading a lot of zines the past few months. I want to do a seperate post sometime more about that, because its really very special, but I won’t derail things now! The point is, I had thought I needed to divorce myself from anything I made, but most of them? Are diaries with a gimmick. Most of them are forgettable. Most of them are samey and headassy. And thats why I like them! And that’s why I feel uncomfortable with my old work! I had been so caught up in my personal cringe that I assumed it was warranted, or worse, that you dear reader felt the same way. And like, I don’t think any of these 90’s pricks with their Xeroxed thoughts felt that way, or if they did it didnt stop them. And its special to share a point in time and a silly quibble with a long gone punk. Whenever I bump into someone whos read my old zines, thats largely how they remember me, and that makes me really happy. Maybe its okay that I am seen this way. Sometimes, anyway.
But not for money. Not in the way the Internet frames it anyway. I remember as a teenager, doing this whole bit where we were trying to follow in the foosteps of All Or Nothing by taking our most popular posts and making fake show pitches of them, asking for a budget with the same note to USD conversion rate. I dont want to be seen by as many people as possible. I do not want to extract as much as I can from you. I want to make stuff and have it be shown and shared around to people interested in it, and then if they wanna spot me a coffee hell I wont say no.
Ive started talking in circles now, so I’ll leave it at that. I dont think this website has a notification system and I cant be bothered to figure out how to make one, so check back now and then and I might have something new. If its a big thing (like a complete project, mailing thing), a post I think people might especially like, or something like that, I’ll notify people on to the patreon, which is linked in the footer and I think you can follow for free.
Thanks for reading this. Let’s see how this goes.
-A