Notebook Project

i think what makes us chase quippy names for things is because of the layering nature of it all. very early in my career as a they, i really embraced the term "dysmorphic", rather than dysphoric. I think it has this edge to it, that double take i always kind of want, and this time I can do it without saying slurs. I also think it, for me, in its departure from gender while remaining tethered to the conversation of gender, allowed me to actually articulate how my body felt wrong without subjecting it to the male-female fact checking. It allowed me to credit my hands looking like my mothers and scaring me, time and time again, her hands following me even when i felt i finally had some privacy, without having to say all that stuff. Because i dont have to say all that stuff, yet still tap into a resovoir of raw feeling. many of my friends walk around wearing dog collars in public. i consider myself socially interstitial. i hold the leash. we cross the street. If the body isn't mine who is it? I have been dreaming about fisting descrates. it's actually very gentle and tender, overtly. in my dream he is vague. i am a cartoonist, and as such connect my words brain to vague lines. i can tell you how it feels - it feels like i can feel my fingers.